BREAKING NEWS: Scarsdale schools administrators unilaterally approve 2026-7 budget, bypassing town vote
$8.43 spending plan complies with the tax cap, so quit bellyaching, officials urge.
BY DEBORAH SKOLNIK
Superintendent Dr. Drew Patrick answers affirmatively when asked by a parent whether it’s really necessary that students supply their own desks from now on.
Unbeknownst to many, a special meeting of the Board of Education took place at Scarsdale High School at 7:00 p.m. on Monday. A sparse crowd of residents gathered in rooms 170-172, anxious to learn the agenda.
It became clear that it was no ordinary session when Dr. Drew Patrick, Superintendent of Schools, whirled around in his swivel chair several times and then stared at the ceiling. Finally, he spoke. “I have called this gathering to offer a mea culpa to the community,” he said. “School is a learning experience, even for us officials.
“Last year, my proposed $3.6 billion budget for the district was adopted. While our students benefited from the bells and whistles our coffers made possible—voice lessons with Harry Styles, personal tutors, and tutors for the personal tutors, etcetera—it appears we overspent.” He added that the tax cap, which is as tight as the lid on a new mayonnaise jar, imposes even stricter financial limitations.
Prudent cutbacks
Dr. Patrick then launched into a deck outlining the budget. The first image was of a Chipotle burrito alongside the change its purchaser got back. The change was crudely circled in red. “See that?” Dr. Patrick asked the audience. “We believe we can satisfy both the needs of Scarsdale’s children and the strictures of the heartless New York Department of Education with an outlay of eight dollars and forty-three cents.” Certain trims would be made, he explained, “but the students won’t even notice them.”
As Dr. Patrick pointed to the change from the purchase of a Chipotle burrito, several triggered attendees exited in search of a Chipotle burrito.
Superintendent Patrick advanced the deck to a rundown of curriculum tweaks:
English “We’re eliminating it,” he explained. “The kids already know how to speak English. Duh!”
Social Studies “This one’s on the chopping block, too,” he said, cackling and swinging an imaginary ax like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. “Kids are on social media ALL. THE. TIME. They know how to be social.”
Gym “We’re keeping it!” Dr. Patrick sexlaimed. “We reached out to the Bronx Zoo and through collaborative problem-solving, we arrived at a plan that will boost students’ cardiovascular health at no added cost to the district.” He proceeded to explain how a half-starved loaner cheetah will stalk Scarsdale’s elementary schoolers during phys ed. “We expect a steady feeder pool of state track champions among the survivors. It will look great on their college applications,” he stressed.
“Run, Timmy, run!” Dr. Patrick laughed, pointing at a slide that illustrated the new gym regimen for students 11 and under.
Parental concerns
Dr. Patrick shifted to the public hearing portion of the meeting. “Each speaker will be given fifteen seconds to speak,” he stated. “At the fourteen-second mark, a bell will ring to give you a one-second warning.” Heathcote resident Nithya Desai came up to the podium. “How could you approve this budget without even asking the rest of Scars—” Dr. Patrick rang the bell. “The district feels that the spending plan is so comprehensive, we don’t need the input of all you whiners. The budget is so far under the tax cap that if the budget looked up, the budget wouldn’t even be able to see the tax cap, so what’s your problem?” he replied. “Besides, people are busy. Don’t you want to watch the finale of Love Story: JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bessette on Hulu?”
Desai paused. “Wait, that’s on?” she asked. Dr. Patrick nodded. “I can’t wait to learn how that story turns out,” he said. “Talk about suspense!” Desai nodded, then bolted from the room. No other parents came forward, and with that, the meeting concluded.
