Winner of new Scarsdale Spork Award announced

Slide over, Scarsdale Bowl—there’s a brand-new trophy in town.

BY DEBORAH SKOLNIK

Since 1943, the Scarsdale Bowl has been our village’s highest civic honor. Bestowed annually by the Scarsdale Foundation to an outstanding volunteer, the award fittingly consists of an engraved silver bowl.

Now, however, there’s a contender for the title of most exalted prize: The Scarsdale Spork. The brainchild of Unconcerned Citizens of Scarsdale (UCS), a nonprofit devoted to recognizing regular people who can’t be bothered with community stuff, the Spork will be randomly awarded each year or so to some Scarsdale schmo minding their own business. “We’re in an age of inclusivity,” explained UCS Chair George Crump, who resides in the Mamaroneck strip. “We’ve taken the concept of participation trophies one step further by creating a non-participation trophy.”

Surprise and a strong reaction

Eager to bestow the Spork on a deserving shirker, UCS members crouched behind the bushes at the Metro North station on Tuesday night. When the 1:56 a.m. train from Manhattan pulled in, a man could be seen wearily departing the rear car after an 18-hour day at his Big Law job. “SURPRISE!” the team shouted as they bounded out, running towards their honoree with the spork extended.

“HELP!!!!” cried the man, later identified as Spencer Wiener. The UCS team was delighted. “That’s right, we’re here to help you—help you feel SPECIAL, that is!” Edging closer, UCS Nominating Committee Chair Edna Buford repeatedly proferred the Spork as Wiener backed away. “What is that, a shiv?” he screamed. “Take my wallet. Here’s my Rolex. Don’t stab me! I’ve got kids!”

Buford smiled reassuringly. “Come on,” she said, gently prodding Wiener in the sternum with the Spork’s tines. “It’s a spoon, it’s a fork, and it’s all yours!”

“I didn’t know our town has so many freaks,” Scarsdale Spork awardee Spencer Wiener said.

Honor accepted

In the end, the first annual Scarsdale Spork award was a success. “If I take this spoon-fork thing, will you guys please, please let me go?” Wiener begged. UCS members nodded their assent. As their new couch-potato king fled up the stairs, clutching the utensil, Buford and the other members of the UCS exchanged high fives. The Scarsdale community is invited to suggest bystanders, not upstanders, for 2027’s Spork.