Martine’s rolls out GLP-1 croissant
Ozempic-identical filling enables Scarsdalians to slim down while enjoying the classic pastry.
BY DEBORAH SKOLNIK
Counterperson Michelle Li says the new weight-loss croissant has changed her perspective. “I used to look at some of our customers and think, ‘Do you really need a brie baguette, Fatty?’ Now I just think, ‘Why didn’t you tip me, you cheapskate?’”
Talk about buttering up your weight-conscious customers.
Martine’s Fine Bake Shoppe, a go-to for Scarsdalians hoping to develop prediabetes, can now gratify the wildest dreams of any Lululemon-loving local. While for several years the shop has offered croissants with strawberry, pistachio, or Nutella filling, it now can pump off-brand Ozempic into each puffy Parisian treat. “Scarsdale people can be a little entitled sometimes. They want to have their cake and eat it too,” said the store’s co-owners, who asked not to be identified. “Yo, skinny bishes! Now you can have your croissant and eat it too and lose weight!”
While management won’t part with its proprietary formula, they hinted that it involves suspending the weight-melting medication in a mixture of soaked chia seeds and library paste. “When we say that these croissants really stick to your ribs, we mean it!” one baker said with a sweet-as-sugar wink.
“The GLP-1 croissant is a game-changer. I can finally sell my Peloton!”
Sheila Zellman, an Edgewood resident, eagerly eyed the counter on Monday afternoon. “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips,” she murmured resignedly as she fixed her stare on a chocolate babka. Spotting the GLP-1 croissants, her face immediately brightened. “Give me a half-dozen, please,” she beseeched the counter worker. At this reporter’s request, Zellman bit into one of tasty treasures. “Mfff, thastes good,” she said as she struggled to separate the glue bond between her tongue and palate. With a jaunty wave, she excused herself and left, her behind looking smaller than ever before. Croissants cost $6.95 with insurance coverage; $1,280 without.
